I Love You, But Not Your Kinks
Kumusta Tita,
I’ve been with my partner for about a year now, and we are at this stage in our relationship where we can comfortable say we love each other. He’s a great partner, my parents are very fond of him, and the sex is great. I couldn’t ask for more.
Lately, he’s been wanting to explore some kinks. I like to think that I’m very sex positive, so I said sure. A little dirty talk at first, then some choking, and then some role play. However, he recently brought it up to me that he would like to start cross dressing.
This made me pause for a second. I’m not a kink shamer by any means, but seeing him wear dresses and wigs just doesn’t do it for me. I told him I’m not in to that, and that made him really sad. I’m starting to feel a little guilty myself. He understands that I don’t like it, but seeing him disappointed makes me worry. I don’t want him to leave me because our sex life is in danger, but I also don’t want him to feel trapped all because of something I can’t fulfill.
What do I do? I don’t want to break up with him, I don’t want to open our relationship, and I don’t want him to feel unsatisfied.
Signed,
Prisoner’s Dilemma
Hey PD,
Oh my god, you’re fucking a drag queen. Can you please tell him to e-mail me his drag name for a collab? Pls & ty ~ Ava Gina
Okay, Tim here. In any instance where kinks and desires are not being met by the other partner, we must first ask ourselves why we can’t provide that. Is it because of our physical inability to provide it? Or is it more emotional and psychological? If it’s the latter, we must interrogate our own reservations. What is it about that kink that makes us uncomfortable? Was it involved in a past sexual experience that turned sour? What are our current perceptions about that kink, and how is it affecting our ability to connect with our partner? Once we figure it out for ourselves only then can we have that conversation with them to communicate why it bothers us so much.
To make any relationship work we need to communicate and compromise, PD. Everything needs to be talked about; from paying the bills to our own sexual needs. That last bit is fundamentally a part of who we are, and we cannot separate ourselves from our sexuality nor should we repress it. Any true crime documentary will tell you what can happen when our sexuality is repressed. Disagreements of all sorts are going to happen, and they’re going to be difficult to talk about. Make sure you’re in the correct headspace to talk about heavy subjects.
When you start that conversation, make sure to center your words around your feelings. If I hear anyone go, “You’re weird for that,” I will shove my foot so far up your ass you will be shitting Chanel boots for a week. Instead use phrases that bring the focus on you like, “This doesn’t work for me.” or “I am not comfortable with that.” Sex and intimacy needs to be comfortable for all parties involved.
You’re probably going to hate me for this next part especially if you’re wired for monogamy. The other option is to cheat.
Kidding! Don’t do that. Or do. I’m not a cop.
But seriously, PD, if you both feel that this kink is fundamentally important to your relationship and you can’t meet it you may have to open up your relationship. Sorry, not sorry, but this is an option to help save your relationship. This is going to require a lot of trust and honesty and constant communication. Both of you are inviting another person into your lives, and that can be unfamiliar and scary. If you choose to go this route everyone must have informed consent. You should all know what’s going on, what your boundaries are, what you define as cheating, and what stays in and out of the bedroom. Some couples go with an I-don’t-need-to-know policy or a Tell-me-only-if-it’s-important rule. Everybody must be on the same page.
Finally, you’ll also have to come to terms with the very real possibility that this may be irreconcilable. Neither of you are willing to budge. That’s totally fine, but this may cause some resentment. Some kinks are just never going to happen for you. You shouldn’t change who you are to make your partner happy. And they shouldn’t repress a part of themselves to make you happy. Unfortunately this can be a source of bitterness that could lead to breaking up. Sometimes this is the only option when compromise and opening up don’t work. If that happens to you, which I hope it doesn’t, then make sure you have a good support system to help you through the grieving process.
Our kinks are a part of who we are. We owe it to ourselves to explore our sexuality in a safe and non-judgmental environment and with a partner who supports us in that exploration. Wherever you are in your relationship, I wish you all the best. I wish you good sex, good food, good times, and good bowel movements.
But if you think he’s my type, I’m definitely not opposed to a little kaikai here and there. Ask him. He probably knows what that word means.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
