We Opened Up. Now We Regret It.
Kumusta Tita,
My girlfriend (24, F) and I (26, M) have been together for two years. We recently decided to open up our relationship and met another couple. I know my girlfriend well enough to know that she will change her mind at the drop of a hat, so I already have my reservations about us opening up. I didn’t listen to myself because I really wanted to have my first sexual experience with another guy, and you can probably guess where this is gonna go.
The other guy (30, M) and I hit it off really well. We went on a few dates and spent a lot of time playing video games together. Not to mention the sex was great! My girlfriend spends the night with her girlfriend (30, F) and they hit it off too!
Over the next month my guy has been all about me and we start getting really close. My girlfriend didn’t connect with hers the same way I did with mine, and she started getting really jealous. When my boyfriend made a joke about me sucking his dick so good he might fall in love with me, she called it off.
What sucks is that she expects me not to be phased by it. My first same sex break up. My girlfriend has knows that I’m a really emotional person; I wear my heart on my sleeve so much that I cry myself to sleep. Yeah, I got a little too attached to him within a month, but can you blame me? I found someone that makes me feel good about my body shape and lets me choose what shows we watch.
After trying to talk to her about how much I miss him and want to be just friends with him, she threatens me by saying she will go through my phone and look at my Xbox messages as well. I don’t think it’s worth pursuing him romantically if that means she’ll violate my privacy.
I don’t understand for myself why this is an issue. Shouldn’t I be happy with what I’ve had for the last two years? One month with this guy has been so impactful that I’m no longer happy with her. What should I do?
Signed,
Falling Out of Love
Hey FOOL,
you didn’t mean to make that acronym, did you? If so, I applaud you. The realization I just had. *insert mindblown gif*
Alright, here we go, my dear Falling.
I think it’s really brave of you to start opening up your relationship. However, I do think it’s quite foolish that you opened it up without much thought. I’m directing this to both you and your girlfriend. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but from what you’ve written to me it sounds like there wasn’t a lot of negotiation or conversation around feelings of jealousy and you kinda just went in to the deep end of open relationships. This is a common mistake a lot of couples make, so you’re not alone. You’re both idiots, but you’re not alone.
You’re also both in your twenties, so you’re very much giving young, dumb, and horny.
It’s quite cute that you were able to have some gay fun, and I bet that you feel like the world is your oyster and that you can smell colors and the music tastes wonderful. I get all that. You should get all the love that you deserve and all the dick you can take. Life is short. But it’s also important to know what is it that you want so you know how to go about it. And that sounds like the case for both of you.
Your girlfriend decided to open up your relationship on a whim. That’s fine, I guess. I’m not the relationship gatekeeper. But open relationships need a lot of trust and communication. There needs to be negotiation. It’s definitely hard work and not for the faint of heart. Trust me. As someone who has been on both ends of an open relationship, I can honestly say that it’s basically a full time job when you have to sync everyone’s Google Calendars.
The problem lies in both you and your girlfriend. She decided to open up the relationship for whatever reason. Is it because it’s the new fad? It’s the cool thing to do? Maybe she just wanted a guilt-free excuse to fuck other people. And you didn’t listen to your gut. Which is almost always right about most things. You went along with it probably because you wanted to keep her happy. Your people-pleasing tendency and her non-critical thinking make for a toxic relationship cocktail. That’s the difference between you and the couple that you met. They’re already at a good stage in their open relationship that they know their own boundaries and they probably communicate until the cows come home.
Let’s also not forget that you caught feelings for another guy in just a month of knowing each other. A MONTH!!! I’ve had urgent paper work sitting on my desk longer than that before I eventually decide to fill it up. Maybe you should have done the same? Because like you said, you’re a very emotional guy. You’re in the honeymoon period, babe. Those feelings are just chemicals in your brain from a new experience. I mean, I would say even after 2 years of being together that may not be enough to consider love. But that’s me. I’m a miserable, old hag who just wants to drink and fuck until I’m in the hole.
I guess one good thing to come out of this open relationship fiasco is that you now know that your girlfriend is a tyrant. No, seriously. What kind of freak lets their jealousy get a hold of them to the point where violating your privacy becomes a part of your relationship? Nobody should ever be going through another person’s messages even if you guys are married for 50 years. That’s literally insane. That means that your relationship did not have a good foundation of trust to begin with. And you need your trust in each other to be indestructible if you’re going to open up. If your girlfriend was a guy, I would totally date them because red flags are my favorite Pride flag.
My advice is this, FOOL. You can choose to work on your relationship with your girlfriend and see where that goes. You’re going to need to work on your people pleasing and she will need to work on her boundaries. Matter of fact, you both do. She needs to stop crossing yours, and you need to stop allowing others in so quickly. The other option, and you’re not going to like this, is to break up. Seriously. Break up. If this new stage in your relationship is making you both unhappy, then why bother staying? Maybe you both discovered that you’re not meant for monogamy or heterosexuality. Personally, I don’t think anybody likes those things. The same way I think nobody actually likes beer. You’re lying to me if you say you are!
You both need to decide how to move forward with these new realizations. Whichever way you choose, just know that it’s going to take a lot of work both internally and interpersonally. But if you happen to break up and end up with your beau, umm, hey…give me a call?
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
