Phantom Pain
Kumusta Tita Slut,
I just got ghosted. I know, I know. Nothing special to read here. I’m not the first, and I certainly won’t be the last ghost case that you bust. But who else do I call?
The pandemic has really taken a toll on my relationship. My boyfriend of 5 years and I have been unable to see each other mainly because of our living situations. We both live with family a couple cities apart, and lots of things still aren’t open for us to go on dates. Naturally there’s not much we can do besides jacking off over Face Time.
My love language is physical touch. I need to be held and I need to be fucked. It’s what makes me feel wanted and validated and not seeing my man has been difficult. I decided to go on the apps to find someone else that can help me meet my needs, and boy oh boy, did I find one!
Tita, this guy was the best I ever had! He had a nice dick, he knew how to kiss, and best of all, he’s versatile. When I was able to host I invited him over, and we spent several hours just flip fucking the day away. I even told him that he was much better than my boyfriend.
I’ve tried to hit him up again a few times to get him to fuck me, but our timing was always off. I even told him that I broke up with my boyfriend because I finally found someone that can meet my needs and is within close proximity to me. There was a day where we almost made it happen again, but family emergencies got in the way.
One day, I texted him to see how he was. He told me he was “going off the grid” for an indefinite amount of time which I totally understand. So fine, I left him alone for a couple days. I saw him active on Instagram when he said he was supposed to go off the grid, so I thought this meant it was okay for me to contact him. When I did text him again, I got hit with the “Who is this?” I don’t know if you’ve ever been ghosted, Tita, but this hit me like a truck. Apparently he changed his number without even telling me. I tried contacting him through Grindr, Whatsapp, and Instagram. He simply won’t get back to me. It hurts a lot, Tita. I’m not really sure what to do with these feelings.
I’m not really sure if there’s a question to ask here. I think I just wanted to vent to you.
Any feedback helps though.
Signed,
Gone Gay
Hey Gone Gay,
Wow. You came to me to vent with no question to ask? You must be new here. Oh boy. Ay nako. Where to start?
Okay. You said that you don’t really have a question, but from what I’m getting here is that you’re asking how to process feelings of being ghosted. So I’ll go with that.
First thing you have to know, GG, is that being ghosted has a common theme. If you look at this study you’ll see that people ghost for one (or more) out of five possible reasons: it’s easy, they’re not interested anymore, there was a bad interaction, the connection doesn’t really matter to them, and it keeps them physically safe.
Are you aware of the term “phantom pain”? It’s a medical term in amputation patients to describe the pain felt in a limb that’s no longer there. Ghosting has that same effect of feeling pain from a connection that was taken from us so suddenly. I normally tell people that in order to recover from ghosting, you should allow room to grieve because it is some sort of loss. Yeah, what you and this mysterious hunk had was brief and passionate, but it’s still a loss and you should be allowed to feel sad. You’re gonna find yourself reviewing your interactions with a microscope asking yourself, “Where did it go wrong?” And the worst part is that you’re not going to get the answer to that question. You’re not going to get closure, and you need to be somewhat okay with that.
People who ghost may not have the vocabulary to say what they need or to establish their boundaries properly. I will go out on a limb to say that in 99% of ghosting cases, it’s almost always the ghoster at fault and not the ghostee.
Not this time. You are the 1%.
What the fuck is wrong with you, GG? Did you really just tell Tita that you cheated on your boyfriend? I sure as hell didn’t read anything about an open relationship. So what if your love language is physical touch? Touch yourself. You really broke up with your boyfriend over some random trade that hit you up over Grindr? How old are you again?
Look. What the guy did was shitty, I’ll give you that. Ghosting will never feel painless. But you’re also at fault here. You had a man of 5 years who, I’m going to assume, was totally faithful to you. You couldn’t get your needs met from him, so you decided to go behind his back to find your needs met elsewhere instead of talking to him about it. Put on your big boy pants, tell him that you want to either split up or open the relationship, then go out and fuck other guys. You don’t tell some guy you met on Grindr that you broke up with your boyfriend because that dick is so great. No dick is ever that great. Except mine, of course. I can tell you right now that wars have been started because of how great my dick is. National anthems have been written in honor of my dick. Kingdoms have fallen because of my dick. But I digress.
You really fucked up here, GG. You have exhibited prime cling wrap behaviour. You were so infatuated with the dick that you went in to panic mode the moment you found out that you could no longer access it. He said that he was going off the grid. That should have been a hint to you that he does not want to be contacted. He probably didn’t wanna talk to you because you said you broke up with your boyfriend because of how great he is. Contrary to popular belief, no man wants to hear how great they are. We know we’re good. You don’t have to remind us. It become annoying. Then you had the audacity to reach out to him on multiple platforms? Dude, that’s fucking creepy.
The Grindr hunk was right to cut ties from your creepy, weird ass. And you’re right to break up with your boyfriend. You still have some unresolved commitment issues that you need to unpack, sweety. You can’t tell your needs to your partner and you lust easily over the next best thing that comes your way? I’m no therapist, but that sounds an awful lot like an anxious attachment style. It sounds like I’m attacking you right, but I can assure that yes, I am. But it’s done out of love and genuine concern. Sounds like you’re not ready for a relationship, and you might not even be ready for a casual fling. I feel that you need some alone time to really reflect on what it is that you need from yourself. Once you find that out, then that’s when the real work starts.
Find help, babe. Love yourself.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
